Somehow, in protecting it so consciously – did I lose it?
A funny thing happened on my way to the ranch. Something that I did not expect. A path that felt like I was circling around something I had long been disconnected from and almost did not recognize.
As a kid, there was a moment where I made a conscious choice to protect myself from the outside world. Now, that moment is so very far back that I can only remember that I did make the choice. I had a very, very clear vision of what I was doing and what it looked like. Even now I wonder, did I bury it so deeply and so successfully that it’s now lost?
In the moment when this happened, I remember being so deeply hurt and so very much alone. I remember intense pain and I remember truth. I remember that I felt betrayed by those closest to me. I became aware that this moment was about survival.
It was a choice to surrender or somehow harden myself against the onslaught and attack on what I carried within me. So, with my eyes closed and my head hanging heavily downward, I imagined that I had my own super power. That there was nothing that could extinguish the white and blue light inside of me. I drew power from everything around me that I loved — from the art that I loved, to the poetry that I related to, to the breeze that rustled through the leaves outside, to the vibration from the earth underneath my feet, to the all of the creatures around me — and as I stood there I imagined an imperfectly shaped obsidian, volcanic rock being layered around and over that light within me. It would be protected. This was the fortress inside myself. This would be hidden away deeply inside my chest. I would protect and hide from the world the love inside of me. I would hide the truth. I would disconnect myself to protect myself. And with my head still down, I opened my eyes and I looked up through my tears and heavy eyelids with sadness, with courage, and with a dare to the world. I said, “You cannot break me. I am too powerful. I am too protected. I am too strong. You have not seen strength yet — because I know the truth.”
I hear a whisper, “What’s the truth?”
What I remember is that these pains were so deep that on some level, I don’t really want to go looking and digging around on this particular expedition or quest. And yet, here I am. I am standing on the precipice of a dark void and I’m wondering, “Can I tap in, can I find this, without exposing the pain and hurt that I don’t want to live in?”
There is very real fear at this place, at this precipice. If I crack open this core more than I have – will I survive? If I show the world what’s in my chest, in my heart, will I survive? What is going to happen?
Something kicks in here now and what I know is that stepping off of that precipice and toward that imperfect obsidian core is one step. It is both one step forward and one complete step. The quest is in that one step and infinite distances are crossed if I consciously step toward that core.
There’s enough infinite space to walk all around this core — away from it. Whether I go north, south, east or west. Whether I go up or down. That step toward that core is actually just one step – not a leap, not many steps. It’s just the step toward it that crosses the expanse.
A powerful energy shift happens with this awareness. Here’s what becomes accessible to me now; in a quiet, conscious moment.. with a slowed down and full breath… with the blink of an eye… I can access me.
The fear of being in or revisiting past pain leaves this place. That white and blue light holds significantly more power and is one step away. That black obsidian rock is there to be protective of my core and with the same permission I gave myself to create that, I can now shape that rock from something imperfect to something smooth, perfect and something that I can open completely or let go of — without even taking a step. I can do it with a breath and the blink of an eye.
I can lift up my head. I can see through eyes that shine bright with love, with soul and with openness. I can connect with what and who is around me. I can expose that white and blue light inside of me that is love.
This is the truth.
My belief that others didn’t recognize or see this in me – was not true. Connecting with this deeply inside yourself is what gives you, me and anyone aligned with themselves the ability to see this truth. This super-power is like x-ray vision and super strength. These abilities recognize what’s genuine and provide strength to be with actual authenticity.
At the core of all of us – we are Naturally Creative, Resourceful and Whole. We have everything inside the space of us to be with and to do.
What we do consciously — mindfully, impacts the level of our effectiveness and our ability to connect with those around us. Are you playing a level of the game or are you living life for real?
Where are you now? Are you back in the story or are you present? Take a step… where are you now?
What got me writing this post and where’s this ranch I’m heading toward?
What got me writing this post and tapping into something I had almost forgotten about was a couple of amazing conversations with the deeply connected souls Kelly Wendorf and Scott Strachan at Thunderbird Ridge. We were talking about a lot and we continue to deepen the conversation. As we talked about what they are up to and how they integrate their Equus Experience® program it became an even deeper learning for me about the power of learning to be present. We always come back to that. No matter where we wandered, when you step toward what “it” is… we stepped toward the very definition of “being present” and “authentic.” I am infinitely grateful.
Looking for truth, looking for authenticity, looking for integrity, looking for your self, looking for leadership, looking to build effectiveness and create team synergy — all comes from something honest and true.
In life — clarity, purpose, fulfillment, leadership and yes, love — all come from a place inside of you. What would it be like for you to put down the internalized manual of what “it’s” supposed to do and sound like?
What can be found in actually experiencing a courageous look inward?